Race to the bottom: Michigan vs Indiana, as seen by The Daily Show

Sometimes, The Daily Show accomplishes in a 3-minute segment what a hundred blog posts can’t. Here, the crack reporting team at The Daily Show looks at Michigan’s new “right to work” bill, and what it means for competing with their neighbors in Indiana… or “India, North America.” Oh, and it’s probably not safe for work. (From the Tuesday

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, December 11 episode.)

Transcript:

JON STEWART:

For more, we go live to Aasif Mandvi in Michigan and Jason Jones in Indiana.

Guys, Indiana was the 23rd state to pass a “right to work” law, Michigan will be the 24th. There’s not much competitive advantage in doing something that almost half the other states have already done.

AASIF MANDVI:

Hey, Jon, Michigan doesn’t have to beat half the country, we just have to be better than Indiana.

JASON JONES:

Yeah, good luck with that. Michigan’s not a state, it’s more of a… dingleberry, hanging off Canada’s taint.

AASIF:

Yeah, Indiana’s a great place to send jobs. It’s got the weather of North Dakota and the racial harmony of Mississippi.

JASON:

Indiana didn’t take Michigan’s jobs, all right? Michael Moore ate them.

JON:

All right, now that both Indiana and Michigan have the exact same “right to work” laws, though, how are you going to differentiate yourselves?

JASON:

“Right to work?” Come on, Jon, that is so eleven months ago. Indiana’s latest pro-business measure is the Workplace Safety Act. Any business that relocates here gets to dump whatever they want, wherever they want, for free. Lakes, rivers, wetlands – they all await your factory’s toxic slurry.

JON:

Right, but you called that a “Workplace Safety Act.” How does that help the…

JASON:

Yeah, Jon, studies show that poisoning the environment cuts workplace beaver bites down to zero. No more raccoon maulings or slipping on the odd toad on a factory floor. Actually, Dow Chemical is very interested.

AASIF:

That’s no match for Michigan’s latest pro-business measure: Workforce Education.

JON:

I’m gonna guess that that’s not really educating workers, is it?

AASIF:

No, it’s the opposite. If your business needs cheap workers to pull long hours, Michigan will turn its schools into factories, eagerly. No more recess, kids, it’s a five-minute smoke break, then it’s back to the metal-stamping machine!

JASON:

Nice try, nice try, but Indiana’s got the Pension Acceleration Act.

JON:

For God’s sake, what are you – euthanizing workers when they hit retirement age?

JASON:

Come on, is that brilliant?

AASIF:

Oh yeah? Well, we will build you a pit, where you can throw your payroll and watch workers fight over it for your amusement – armed only with the bones of the fortunate dead.

JON:

Oh, for God’s sake! What is that called?

AASIF:

That is the Incentive-Based Compensation bill. Governor Snyder says he’s ready to sign it.

JASON:

Oh, son of a bitch!

AASIF:

Yeah, who’s the dingleberry now, Jones?

JON:

Guys, these measures, they’re creative, but they don’t create any jobs. You’re just trying to poach jobs from neighboring states by selling out your own workers. It’s a race to the bottom.

AASIF:

Yeah, but whoever gets to the bottom first wins, right?

JON:

I guess that’s right.

JASON:

Yes, then it’s on!